* Resources Listed at the End
In Reading I Become....
In
the book, An Experiment in Criticism, C.S. Lewis argues that 'good reading',
involves surrender to the work in hand and a process of entering fully into the
opinions of others: 'In reading great literature, ‘ he states, ‘I become a thousand men and yet remain
myself'.
The
year was 1997. My husband Devin had been
diagnosed with leukemia. We were living
in the Northwest. Friends and family
began sending books, tapes, CDs, on topics ranging from vegetarianism to
golf. In the solace found in a
bookstore, I came across a small book about a young sports writer who returns
to visit with his teacher after that teacher is diagnosed with cancer and had
progressed to the terminal stage.
My
husband and I were engaged in our own battle with leukemia. We deemed our
struggle an assured win, and were not intimidated by the reading of this book.,
thus began recommending the book to friends and family. They reacted surprised by the fact we would
offer something struck so close to home.
But
we didn’t view it that way. We felt the book was speaking for us. By now, you probably recognize that little
tome, as Tuesdays with Morrie, which went on to inspire a movie and millions of
supporters.
Through
sharing Tuesdays with Morrie, we could offer a glimpse of our present life to others,
allowing them to become individuals living in our brave new world of cancer.
But
we also took comfort in that Mitch Albom could represent in words, what we were
feeling inside. The impetus for our
reading Tuesdays with Morrie was also derived from another quote about C.S.
Lewis’ life, “We read to know we are not alone.”
I have
always been a lover of books, from the time my mother would sit and read
nursery rhymes from the Family Treasury of Children’s Stories, which sits on my
bookshelf today. I learned from my
mother not just how to read, but how to love reading.
I had
moved away from that love until my early thirties, when Devin progressed through
three years of his disease. In that time, we both did a lot of sitting. Reading became an escape, an exercise for the
mind when the legs had no strength.
The
Northwest was known for their bookstores, and I had occasion to pick up a few
paperbacks prior to Devin’s treatments.
I randomly selected David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, without
knowing why. Later, a leading bone
marrow expert would give me the raised eyebrow for reading this during Devin’s
transplant, arguing I could certainly have found a more engaging read than
Dickens. But I underlined this quote:
“It
seemed to me so long, however, since I had been among such boys, or around any
companions of my own age…that I felt as strange as ever I have done in all my
life. I was so conscious of having
passed through scenes of which they could have no knowledge, and of having
acquired experiences foreign to my age, appearance and condition, as one of
them, that I half believed it was an imposture to come there as an ordinary
little school boy.”
This
trove of paperbacks included Katharine Graham’s Personal History. Katharine Graham lead the Washington Post
through the Pentagon papers and Watergate. Her awkwardness as I child, I
identified with. Her tenaciousness as a grown woman, navigating the storms of a
male world was admirable. She writes of her mother’s guidance in raising she
and her siblings, taking them mountain-climbing.
I was
immersed in her story at the time Devin was undergoing another round of
treatment prior to a transplant.
“The
fatigue of the climb was great but it is interesting to learn once more how
much further one can go on one’s second wind. I think that is an important
lesson for everyone to learn for it should also be applied to one’s mental
efforts. Most people go through life without ever discovering the existence of
that whole field of endeavor which we describe as second wind. Whether mentally
or physically occupied most people give up at the first appearance of
exhaustion. Thus they never learn the glory and the exhilaration of genuine effort.”
This next
passage, from Love in the Time of Cholera, came to me as Devin was in the final
stages, Gabriel Garcia Marquez writes, “Contrary to what the Captain and
Zenaida supposed, they no longer felt like newlyweds, and even less like
belated lovers. It was as if they had leapt over the arduous calvary of
conjugal life and gone straight to the heart of love. They were together in
silence like an old married couple wary of life, beyond the pitfalls of
passion, beyond the brutal mockery of hope and the phantoms of disillusion:
beyond love. For they had lived together
long enough to know that love was always love, any time and anyplace, but it
was more solid the closer it came to death.”
Though
on the outside, I would have appeared to have nothing in common with any of these
character. In these times, I became David Copperfield, Katharine Graham and those
of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s novels.
During
Devin’s illness, the added reading, the time to immerse myself in other worlds,
lit a new spark. I began to write, first
as a task, a true past-time, to absorb
some of the boredom that bounced off the walls in waiting rooms. Next, the words became news, an outlet to
share, as David Copperfield had, experiences which none of our peers could
possibly have known or witnessed, and third, as with Katharine Graham, it fast
became a second wind, a way of life.
As I
wrote in greater length and frequency, I achieved a depth that could only come
through repetition, a flexing of the writing muscle. In these deeper waters, I experienced a peace
that only came by putting words on paper. For had I said them aloud, in our
little family of three, a toddler and husband on pain medication, the words
would have floated away, but on paper, each sentence carried weight, anchored
me. And I went from being a reader, to a
writer, and experiencing writing from the inside out.
I was
also realizing when one uncovers a gift, the gift is to be shared. We had gained many insights through Devin’s
cancer and we were adamant they be revealed if not through his life, then
through my words.
When
my husband lost his battle with cancer, I discovered an organization called
Women Writing for a Change, founded 20 years ago, by Mary Pierce Brosmer, a
former English teacher, who recognized women often needed a safe, supportive
environment in which to write and share their stories. I brought my evolving manuscript
to those writing circles, which held my words and confidences. Six years following Devin’s death, I would
publish my memoir, I’ll Be in the Car.
During
that time, I did not read much. I did not want to veer from the voice I had exposed.
I did not want other writing voices to interfere with mine. I was finally
hearing myself speak from the inside, and through that, was embracing life.
Fast
forward to present day. I am in what the
media terms the sandwich generation.I call it of the big mac variety or club
sandwich, with the extra bread in the middle.
Remarried, raising four young adults, overseeing the care of aging
parents, and maintaining focus on my vocation and self-care.
When
I was asked to speak here, Pam mentioned the topic of reading and writing and
summer diversions. I began pulling books off my shelf and my nightstand. During
that effort I rediscovered the three books mentioned earlier. As I examined that stack, and the recently
read pile I was creating, the common threads remained the same. I am drawn to
reading books that resemble my life.
For instance,
several years ago, I initiated a writing circle at the Alois Alzheimer Center,
a seed planted from experience with my mother’s disease. As that work progressed, my focus on fiction
and non-fiction related books on Alzheimer’s remained steady. Still Alice was written by Lisa Genova. The
author is a neuroscientist, and she has written one of the most accurate portrayals
of early onset Alzhiemer’s, as well as characterizing family reactions to the
disease. I also find the read fascinating, as she is able to translate her
scientific knowledge into fictional world. Another book I enjoyed along the same lines is
Please Look After Mother by Kyung-Sook Shin, told from four viewpoints of
daughter, son, husband, mother. Not only
was I drawn in by the mother’s disappearance, but the author’s ability to
capture four narrators in this novel.
Other works in the Alzheimer category are Myth of Alzheimer’s by Peter
Whitehouse., which offers plenty of statistics on misperceptions of a cure for
Alzheimer’s and the ignorance about care, as well as The Forgetting: Alzheimer’s
Portrait of an Epidemic, by David Shenk, a straightforward, humanistic look at
the disease.
I
also work with a non-profit called Starfire, and create writing opportunities
for young adults with developmental disabilities to write. As I immerse myself more into this new
landscape, my students find poetry particularly attractive and accessible, esp.
helpful is the volume Beauty is a Verb – The new Poetry of Disability. When I ask students what topic they want to
address in writing, sometimes they list dogs or family or sports, but always,
they want to write of their disability.
Kenny
Fries Excavation:
Tonight, when I take off my shoes:
three toes on each twisted foot.
I touch the rough skin. The holes
where the pins were. The scars.
If I touch them long enough will I find
those who never touched me? Or those
who did? Freak, midget, three-toed
bastard. Words I've always heard.
Disabled, crippled, deformed. Words
I was given.
Recently
published books I have read include –
Rules
of Civility by Amor Towles (tolls). This
I happened to discover through an Amazon’s “if you like reading this, then you
will like this too.”
Christmas
had been descending upon me, and I found a book where I could escape, to the
1930s boardinghouse, young women beginning to work, to envision a life not in
the home. Jazz, coming of age, Manhattan, mysterious love interest. You will fall in love with Tinker Gray and
wonder what ever happened to him. And
too, I am rivted by male authors writing from a woman’s point of view.
Death
comes to Pemberly was written by P.D.
James, a mystery novel writer who is 91.
Her
best known hero, the detective Adam Dalgliesh, is a man. When asked what it has
been like being, as it were, inside Adam’s head for the past 47 years PD James
responded: ‘Well, he is a male version of me. Brainier than me but his emotions
are mine. The empathy is mental rather than physical. I never describe
Dalgliesh getting up and getting dressed.’ When asked if she was like her hero,
unsentimental? She replied, ‘Yes, I’m very unsentimental. Very.’
She
wanted to combine her love of Jane Austen, with crime novel interests, and at
91 wrote Death Comes to Pemberly, where the Pride and Prejudice’s character
Elizabeth Bennett, who had wed Fitzwilliam Darcy on the large Derbyshire
estate, becomes the scene of a murder.
My
intrigue at PD James’ age drew me into this novel, and also set me on a path of
re-engaging with Jane Austen, perhaps giving her a second look, as I had done
with Dickens years before.
Another
favorite was American Dervish by Ayad Ahktar.
I have a daughter pursuing Near Middle East & Muslim studies. And recently, WWFC co-sponsored a play culled
from stories of the Afghan Women’s Writing Project.
A
young Pakinstani American boy is charmed by his aunt, who comes to stay in his
family’s household in America. The aunt’s presence is, at first celebrated, but
the customs of the old country and gender discrimination bring about many
challenges for the family. It is one of
many books being read, as insight into cultures we so rarely appreciate except
from the point of terrorism or war. Here
is a quote:
"Hayat, her
intelligence has been the curse of her life. When a Muslim woman is too smart,
she pays the price for it. And she pays the price not in money, behta, but in
abuse."
Finally, I have
to give a nod to historical fiction. I
discovered Henry and Clara by Thomas Mallon while listening to a podcast about Mallon.
Henry and Clara is a story of the couple
who sat in Lincoln’s box at the theatre the night he was assassinated. We never learned in history class about the
collateral damage this event brought on this couple. You will find Clara a headstrong determined
woman of Washington, and in Henry, you find compassion for a man who never knew
if he did the right thing that fateful night.
Waiting in the
wings. One book that I am itching to read by Jonah Lehrer: Imagine: How Creativity
Works. In it, Mr. Lehrer advocates that creativity is not limited to those with
a gift, there are certain processes individuals can utilize more effectively to
become creative. He also describes blue-colored rooms which foster creativity
and proposes that the urban setting is a prescription for creativity and
invention due to the “proximity of all those overlapping minds.” As writer,
this book has piqued my interest, as well as the fact that I will be moving to
Over the Rhine, in a year so, when the home we are reconstructing is
complete. We are moving for the very
reason the author states, "the overlapping minds.”
Before closing, I
want to offer information for those who might be interested in a jump start of
your writing life. At Women Writing for a Change, we believe everyone has a
story to write. The practices of WWFC,
including small groups, time divided equally, development of listening skills
through tactful feedback, were created to invoke, inspire and improve upon
writing, without fear of criticism or embarrassment.
For the first few
classes of WWFC, I was sharing material full of raw emotions over the death of
my husband, and guilt in being the one left behind. Like reading a book where I identified with
the characters, each writing circle where I participated, the women identified
with me, and likewise, I with their stories.
Together, ordinary women embarked on journeys to write of their
extraordinary lives.
I have put flyers
on the tables, listing upcoming classes, samplers, mother-daughter
workshops. You can access our website
for these listings and others.
I want to end
with a poem, by Mary Oliver. Mary Oliver was born in Ohio. Much of her poetry
is rooted in nature, in part due to her raising in Ohio.
The Summer Day
Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black
bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out
of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of
my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and
forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her
enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms
and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and
floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer
is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down
in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to
stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing
all day.
Tell me, what else should I have
done?
Doesn't everything die at last,
and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious
life?
Thank you to Pam Nothnagel for inviting me here today. Thank
you for lunch, for listening. I hope you take the summer, to read other’s
words, to put your own words on paper, and take the time to imagine, perhaps in
a blue room, who is it you will become in your reading of books, who it is you
want to become in the writing of your words?
Fairfield Women’s Luncheon, April, 2012
Books Referenced Today:
1.
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
2.
A Personal History by Katharine Graham
3.
Love in the Time of Cholera, One Hundred Years
of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
4.
Rules of Civility by Amor Towles
5.
American Dervish by Ayad Akhtar
6.
Death Comes to Pemberly by P.D. James
7.
Please Look After Mother by Kyung-Sook Shin
8.
Henry and Clara by Thomas Mallon
9.
Imagine: How Creativity Works by Jonah Lehrer
10. The
Myth of Alzheimer’s by Peter Whitehouse
11. Forgetting
by David Shenk
12. Beauty
is a Verb – The New Poetry of Disability
13. Swan
by Mary Oliver
On My Wish List:
1.
If Walls Could Talk: A History of the Home by Lucy Worsley
2.
Gods of Gotham by Lyndsay Faye
3.
A Book of One’s Own by Thomas Fallon
4.
Island of Vice by Richard Zacks
5.
Gods without Men by Hari Kunzru
Other Books Recommended:
1.
Tabloid City by Pete Hamill
2.
Leaving Van Gogh by Carol Wallace
3.
American Heiress by Daisy Goodwin
4.
In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson
5.
Picking Cotton by Jennifer Thompson Canino
6.
Freedom Writer’s Diary by Erin Gruwell
Other Resources:
1.
Mercantile Library of Cincinnati – Author Series
2.
Public Library of Cincinnati
3.
Book Review New York Times – Podcast
4.
Poetry Foundation
5.
IllBeintheCar.com / ThreeArchPress.Com
6.
TheseWritingShoes.blogspot.com
